January 12, 2004

Humor

You may have heard already that the Iranian government is considering moving the capital from Tehran, due to the high probability of an earthquake in the city of 12+ million. This is nothing new and there has been various proposals for the move circling around for at least 30 years. Maybe the devastation of Bam earthquake will finally make it a reality though. But looking at the global map below and where the earthquake belt is, there aren't many places in Iran that is much safer, so I have come up with a better solution:

proposal.gif

Instead of moving Tehran, let's move Iran! I have studied various options available (East Coast of Australia, Western Europe, Brazil, etc.) and already selected the area depicted in the map; U.S.'s south eastern corner as most suitable. Here are some of the benefits of such move:

  1. If we flip the current map of Iran, it will fit perfectly in that corner and still retain the "resting cat" shape, although this time it will be facing east which can be explained as "having an eye on the past", making it easier to sell the idea to the masses.

  2. No earthquakes in Iran ever again.

  3. The current location of Iran will be handed over to U.S. to connect the 51st state (Afghanistan) with the 52nd (Iraq) and finally get all the oil they ever wanted. Historical sites will be destroyed to fit the new history that this area was "discovered" by the Europeans and no civilized people ever lived there.

  4. Carl Rove and company can appoint Reza Pahlavi as the new king there, returning him to his father's palace along with his 200 supporters who already carry U.S. citizenship anyways.

  5. U.S. will finally get rid of most of the troubled "south", including all of Georgia, Alabama, Tennessee, Mississippi, Florida Panhandle (no more election issues, we'll leave the rest of Florida for future "New Cuba") and South Carolina, plus parts of Louisiana (we'll get Baton Rouge and New Orleans, they keep Lafayette), Kentucky and North Carolina.

  6. We'll gain plenty of golf courses in Carolinas and beaches on Gulf of Mexico which allows us to rename it Gulf of Persia, as Arab countries have done for years with renaming Persian Gulf arbitrary.

  7. KFC will stand for Kurdish Fried Chicken, will enjoy partial autonomy and expands its menu to include savory lamb and veal dishes.

  8. Tennessee's Al Gore will officially become Iranian. We'll teach him dancing baba-karam to loosen him up.

  9. U.S. will not lose any cities that actually matter in keeping DC and everything north of there, while Atlanta will be renamed New Tehran.

  10. Coca-Cola will become a subsidiary of ZamZam-Cola.

  11. We'll rename Mardi-Gras to Mameh-Gah (like Namayeshgah), a place to showcase bare breasts of men and women.

  12. We'll own CNN! (and immediately fire Amanpour for her Khatami interview.)

  13. U.S. will still retain enough states/land suitable for development of more trailer parks for displaced former south residents with dark-pink behind the ears regions. They include, Arkansas, Oklahoma and of course W's home state of Texas.

In order to achieve this, we need immediate plans for relocation. Atlanta already has a good base of Iranians and those in Houston, Dallas and Oklahoma should move to the new Iran immediately. Then it's time for California Iranians (all 20 of them, because the rest of a few hundred thousands are no longer Iranian and are officially "Persian") to move there. In the third phase of great exodus, U.S. will open a consulate on Kish Island, so all Iranian citizens can obtain a 3 year work visa (as per W's new ridiculous plan) on their next trip to the island in order buy garments made in Karaj but labeled as Italian. Within 10 years, a complete transfer of people has taken place and many problems are solved for both sides. What do you think?

UPDATE - I just realized that if we keep the rest of Florida, we'll still have a resting but very vulgar cat! :o)

Posted by Pedram at January 12, 2004 06:56 PM
Comments

Excellent, call it manifest destiny.

Posted by: Jane at January 12, 2004 08:19 PM

Nice plan, especially since you've left my home state, Maryland, alone.

Posted by: Lola Lee at January 12, 2004 08:23 PM

Can't see anything wrong with that. Let's do it.

Posted by: Soheil at January 12, 2004 08:45 PM

This is too much, I'm still laughing my ass off... Thanks!!!

Posted by: Naser at January 12, 2004 10:34 PM

hahaha, very funny, thanks.

Posted by: Leila at January 13, 2004 03:21 AM

Actually, we do get earthquakes in the south, it's more like once every 150 years. Just be sure not to be anywhere near the Mississippi River when the next one strikes. Last big one was back in the early 1800s and the river changed course. We're long overdue for another one.

Posted by: Lola at January 13, 2004 08:08 AM

An added bonus would be the increased English skills for that area.

Posted by: A.H. at January 13, 2004 08:19 AM

I was feeling a little iffy on this plan, until I saw that you advocate for leaving the California "Persians" behind. So as one of the 20 Iranians in California, I would like to register my "yes" vote for the plan.

Posted by: The Letter N at January 13, 2004 10:03 AM

This is it! You are a genius, Pedram. But,..
What do we do with the mollahs?
Will there be a new Qom?
Should we leave the mollahs in the 53rd state (between Iraq & Afghanestan) and send the southern inhabitants there? I am sure they get along just fine!
Amir

Posted by: aMIR at January 13, 2004 12:14 PM

Hey guys,
Why bother choosing another 'static' location for Iran, if the current territory is considered to be evacuated? Don't you see all the problem is stemmed from concentrating all Iranians at the same place? Think out of the box. Think futuristic. As an engineer, I know that the most stable and robust system is a distributed one.
D I S T R I B U T E D, do you understand me?
Think about it: millions of Iranians have already left their traditional homeland, scattered around the world in the past 25 years. Yet everybody asks them the good old question: where are you from?' and they answer Iranian or Persian. Take my uncle for an example. He left Iran to the US when he was 17. He studied and worked here for over 25 years. He is a Democratic party register, watches news on CNN everyday, goes to all important Hollywood movies on the opening days, works for the federal government, votes in most of the elections, etc. In brief, he does everything an American does. Yet people ask him: where are you from? and He answers: Iranian. even though political reasons prevented him from visiting Iran for 17+ years.
Is he an Iranian in the traditional sense? No. Is he American in a traditional Sense? again, No.
What is he then? I'll tell you: He is a potential citizen of the all new DISTRIBUTED IRAN. The Iran that spans around the world.
Lets start this new concept folks. Lets campaign for moving all Iranians out of the old and wrecked geographical Iran and make them the new citizens of the first distributed country of the history: DIRAN (well, maybe second after DISRAEL, but djews failed to coin the concept. Their distribution didn't occur in the postmodern era, after all)

If you are going to offer something big, offer something both big and new.

Posted by: Jafar at January 13, 2004 12:28 PM

that was FANTASTIC...

Posted by: proshat at January 13, 2004 01:52 PM

That was hilarious.

Posted by: me at January 13, 2004 03:37 PM

Jafar, why do you say your uncle isn't American in the traditional sense?

Posted by: winterwife at January 13, 2004 05:23 PM

Jafar's idea is not too far from reality, at the rate Iranians are reforming today we'll see a well distributed (bell curve) scathering of Perians in may be another 35-50 years. Then 1500 years from now we'll kick out the Afghanians because we are tired of not belonging to our adopted lands and with help from Uromica move back to the promissed-placed land!!

Posted by: Ali at January 13, 2004 08:29 PM

winterwife,
For many reasons. But to put all of them in one sentense: he is not American in the traditional sense because people usually feel the urge to ask him where is he from.

Posted by: jafar at January 13, 2004 10:15 PM

How many Americans do you know who can go back 2 generations without that question being asked? That is exactly what being American is all about. It's all about the hyphen, baby.

Posted by: winterwife at January 14, 2004 12:49 AM

There's a typical engineer for you. Unable to get out of his rational "box" to enjoy something so fun!

Posted by: Kris at January 14, 2004 08:47 AM

Kris,
Where is your sense of humor? That comment is just a joke. It was meant to be humoristic. Of course I enjoyed Pedram's post. It was hilarious.

Posted by: Jafar at January 14, 2004 11:41 AM

Hilarious!! and when it got towards the end, the Israel analogy hit me... I was laughing even harder..

It would be very feasible if Iranians were rich jews... we'd just kick them all southerners out of our Holly land! Trust you me, it would be no trouble even teaching Al Gore some Baba-karam...

funny stuff

Posted by: Iranian at January 14, 2004 08:34 PM